4/14/10 "subway series"

By now you KNOW I hate humans. All humans. Blax, pigment deficient, mira etes, teens, crying babies. The list goes on. So it doesn't take much to piss me off. But one thing I cannot take is people smacking and cracking their gum.


It's beautiful out. I had a rough night and woke with a migraine but the sun is shining. The temperature is perfect and I feel fabulous. Dressed in black leather pumps, fitted black slacks, fitted white tea wit a lilac, v neck sweater, and a blazer. My hair is blowing in the wind as I walk to the train station.

Walking on the platform face in blackberry I'm surprised to look up and see my train crush. I stand with my back facing him smiling to myself, knowing he's sizing me up. Seems like it takes forever but the train finally comes. It's crowded as all hell. GREAT! I step onto the train. Annoyed because everyone seems to be standing at the door and there is space in the train. I suck my teeth and push through to stand in the empty part of the train. I'm standing next to a fat belly, Shaba Ranks who is smacking his gum and staring at me with his red beady eyes. I roll my eyes and turn away from him.

At the next stop on walks an old guy wearing a fedora , that I want to steal off his head, a wool sweater, and glasses hanging down at the tip of his nose. He's peering over his glasses staring at me. Why is he looking me up and down? And chewing that got damned gum like a cow!! His mouth is hanging open and he's smacking and chewing leering at me. I roll my eyes in disgust and avert my eyes. Don't want him mistaking my angry gaze with interest.

Then, the worst thing happens...my ipod dies!!! OH NO! Now I can hear he AND Shabba smacking and chewing. Holy crap I'm gonna spazz. I'm gonna have an episode on the train. I'm gonna start screaming and cursing and throwing things. Breath, breath, breath. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7..I'm breathing and counting. Counting and breathing. Praying "Jesus, lawd have mercy. Please lawd help me to calm down." Breath breath. You can do it.

My eyes scan the train for my crush. Where the hell did he go?

I think I'm starting to sweat. Steam is coming out of my ears. "What the fuck!?" I blurt out. I roll my head back slowly and let out a deep breath. I'm not embarrassed. I'm a little off and the smacking is creating a nervous tick.

"Ok, just one more stop to go, I can do this." I'm thinking when I feel a tap on my arm. "Hexcuse me" a voice says, my head whips around and I glare at Shabba. "What!?" I snarl at him. "I just want to pass." The train is now ridiculously crowded and people are piled up against each other. "You wait!" I growl. Then look back at Fedora hat man who is still smacking and leering. I feel more out bursts coming. I'm not going to be able to contain myself.

Oh thank God! It's my stop.

I shuffle off the train with the throng of commuters. A young woman with 15 packs of greasy weave is in front of me. She swings her greasy horse hair and it hits me in the face. LAST STRAW!! I reach out to grab her by it and pull her down to the floor. At that very moment someone cut in front of me. I growl out at least 15 expletives as I charge up the stairs...Deep breath. Aahhhhhh fresh air. I'm ok now.





*ding dong*

Thank you for riding the MTA

4/8/10 "Subway Series" Grumpy Old men edition.

It's only 6am and it's already over 70 degrees. I've been up since 4:30 and I'm in no mood for the bullshit. I have to open the office so being late is not an option. I'm locking the door to the apartment listening to the birds singing their praises to the sky. I smile and run down the five flights, in my five inch sandals, to the lobby.


I walk briskly to the train station. Hair blowing in the wind. Linen pants, bright green tank, and yellow short sleeved jacket. My Hollywood Mocha, shades atop my head holding back my hair.

I'm greeted by two old white guys in baseball caps, glasses, and BLUE polo shirts. If they had on shorts they'd have tube socks to their knees, I'm sure. Lol.

They are arguing. "Your an idiot" shouts one. "Oh shut your mouth" shouts the other. I'm quite amused. There is a puddle of coffee at the turnstile, and a little blue paper cup, which I gather is the catalyst of the argument.

I follow them up the stairs, smiling to myself and on says something about "Roman Polanski" and the other shouts, "Not his wife u idiot". These old guys are hysterical and remind me of my grandpop, a very cantankerous old man who I should probably go visit soon.

I'm lost in my own memories as I hear old guy number one say to old guy number two, "You know, it was great having you here. I've missed you". They embrace briefly and continue arguing. I chuckle.

The train is approaching. I turn on my ipod as I walk on. Faith Evans sings, "I see the lighting flashing, heard the thunder roll. I feel the cold winds blowing, trying to conquer my soul"

I take a seat by a small black man in a business suit across from a cute Hispanic guy in a tight white shirt, a young girl who looks like she hasn't washed her face but has her bedazzled blackberry in hand. An Indian guy in a baseball cap, a flight jacket and shifty eyes is staring at me. I immediately think of "24" and think, "I will fuck u up if u try to blow up this train and make me late for work." Every few seconds his scary eyes look at me and every time he looks I roll my eyes and my nostrils flare. I realize he's probably a West Indian from Guyana or Trinidad but I stare at him until my eyes get heavy and I fall asleep.

Damn the media for turning me into a paranoid freak. Lol

*ding dong*

Thank you for riding the MTA

4/6/10 "Subway series"

It's a beautiful day and I feel fabulous. I'm wearing dark gray, loose fitting slacks, a snug white tee, a three quarter sleeve pea green jacket and a yellow scarf. I've taken out the spring/summer stilettos so I have an extra switch in my hips. I have on my regular seeing glasses and not my hollywood shades and I'm on time today. I'm really feeling fab!


A woman goes through the turnstile. I swipe my card. Green light says go and I push the turnstile. I almost smash my face into it because it's locked.

What in the hell?! I swipe my card again. "Just used" Damn it. See, I have an "Unlimited" Metrocard and although I can ride as many trains and buses I choose, all day, every day, I cannot use it back to back on the same bus or train. I have to wait 20 minutes. A train is coming. This seems to happen to two more people. The three of us are standing there looking at each other waiting for someone to come thru the emergency doors. Incidentally, I live on the side of the parkway where there is no token booth. It IS a busy subway stop so someone will come through eventually.

Minutes pass and no one comes through the doors.

Another train is approaching. Commuters are running down the steps and through the turnstiles. The other woman who is waiting asks a woman to open the door. "I can't just open the door! You have to pay!", she screams. *gasp* Are u serious lady? Do we look like homeless people trying to get a free ride? I'm starting to get annoyed as yet another train approaches. We are having no luck.

I look up and my train crush is walking towards the turnstile. He's walking briskly trying to catch the train. I was cool and calm until I saw him. I'm burning with embarrassment and anger because I won't be able to ride the train with him. Our eyes lock briefly then he dashes through to catch OUR train.

More people come through but NO ONE comes through the doors. Bumbaclot, mudah skunt, f*ck man!..I spit out every expletive in my vocabulary as "Homeboy from the hood" looks me up and down suggestively and says, "Damn ma, thas a good look". I wish I had a bat! I would have beat him to death.

Three trains have passed. I attempt to swipe my card again, "Just used" More expletives escape from my glossed lips. I'm ready to snap I grab my fone to alert my coworkers that NOW I'm running late.

As I'm cursing explaining what has happened a teen comes through the emergency doors. Finally!! I scurry up the stairs coming face to face with a cop. The train doors close. Today is not my day!

I pull out my ipod as I realize the cop is not going to harrass me. "Only just a friend. The love story begins. Now here's a happy ending to believe in.." John Legend sings..I smile.. The train is coming. Today may not be such a bad day after all.



*ding dong*

Thank you for riding the MTA.

4/2/10 "Subway Series" Evening Edition

Lauren Hills smooth voice sang, "My world it moves so fast today, the past it seems so far away..." as I stood above these fat toddlers on the train. A girl with wild hair and filthy fat feet in flip flops (say that 3 times fast lol) kicking me every few minutes. The boy being a whiny brat with ring around the mouth; probably from an icee or candy . They are fighting each other hence the kicking.

I'm looking at what I assume is their fat ass mother then back at them. My expression says "Tell them something before I kick them back. I will fight your kids, I do not care". She tries to quiet them to no avail. They fight harder. Just as I'm about to lose it the "mother" gets up and sits between them. "Dumb ass, you should have done that a long time ago" I think to myself rolling my eyes.

They get off the train at the next stop. I quickly scan the people nearest me, checking for pregnant women or elderly people. I see none so I plop down in the seat relieved. My feet hurt. I lean back, slowly closing my eyes, sighing with relief as notice a middle aged woman giving me the side eye. Upon closer examination I realize she's an woman. Oh well, no one told you to dress hip and dye ur hair. I look to my left and right at the men who have me sandwiched in. They are not budging. They are actually avoiding her eyes so I close mine for my nap.

Next stop, guy on my left gets off and she sits. Is she trying to elbow me to make more room for herself. I'm trying to nap! I WILL fight you grandma! I elbow her back and push my purse into her arm.

Gosh her breath smells like shit! I put my head in my hand wondering, does this only happen to me? What the hell?

I hate humans.

*ding dong*

Thank you for riding the MTA

3/27/10 "Subway Series" Evening edition

I have a filthy mouth. I curse sometimes just to curse but I HATE to hear other ppl curse. I cringe even more so when it's a young girl. I also use the "n word" often, but it pisses me off tremendously to hear other ppl use it in public, especially NON blacks. Did I mention I hate humans? *sigh*


I turn on my ipod as the train pulls into the station. Head nodding to the beat I walk onto the train.

I take a seat and lean back preparing for my 40 minute nap. Oh crap! My ipod dies mid song.

I'm pissed off now so when this young couple gets on with their loud ghetto talk, I am NOT amused.

I stare at them with disdain as I wonder why they are so loud. My eyes open wide as I realize these young people are drugies.


She's sitting directly across from me and I'm staring in disbelief. She is barely over 25, hispanic, with dark lips, and many missing teeth. She appears to be pregnant. I assume he is hispanic but I later realize he is a white "homeboy from the hood".

A seat opens up near me and the guy sits. I look at him in disgust. Not because he is a crack head but because he's sitting next to me.

They are sitting across from each other shouting a conversation.

I immediately ask the female if she wants 2 sit in my seat. She declines.

He yells to her, "Get up! She sees we're talking to each other. She being nice." She shakes her head. He replies "That's aight. I don't mind sittin' next to her anyway, 'cause she pretty anyway. Don't she look like Diane?"

I'm not happy. I want to get the hell off the train. Why am I on this train? I'm trying my best not to scream, "Shut the fuck up!". I'm trying to distract myself with everything that I can. Fiddling in my purse, I pull out my trusty blackberry and continue the ping pong game I was started earlier that day. Why is he staring at it? "Yo that joint is moving mad fast. Oh oh. She's good"

I feel my face burning with anger. Is that steam coming from my ears? Am I growling? Lol

A seat opens up beside the girl and he moves over to her. And now the show begins. He starts antagonizing all the passengers nearest him. "What the fuck you looking at?" He screams at an older white woman. "Oh that niggas head is mad big! Fucking wet back" he screams at the Mexican man. The Mexican man just stares at him. The guy proceeds to scream at him, "What the fuck you lookin' at be? I should give u a buck fifty across ya face. You lucky I don't have a gun or knife on me." The mexican man just stares at him while everyone else avoids his eyes. "If we was locked up I would fuck you up. A nigga just got home. I don't give a fuck about nothing." Enter the Asian woman selling DVDs. He whispers loudly to the girl, "Watch this" to the Asian woman, "Let me see what you got"

At this point I'm over the show and wondering why the hell haven't they gotten off the train yet. I'm looking around to see what stop we're approaching, because this is some south Bronx shit. Lol

He attempted to steal the DVDs and tell the woman he was a cop and she had no license to sell. He continues to scream at the Mexican man. "You oblay ispanal?"

I need out. I have to get off this train. Oh great they are getting off. "Bye pretty" he says to me as he exits.

I roll my eyes and think to myself, "This is what I get being cheap and taking the train instead of a cab." I knw better nxt time.

It' seems as if everyone let out a sigh of relief as the couple exits the train.

I can't wait to get back to my side of town and back to normal civilization.



*ding dong*

Thank you for riding the MTA