4/14/10 "subway series"

By now you KNOW I hate humans. All humans. Blax, pigment deficient, mira etes, teens, crying babies. The list goes on. So it doesn't take much to piss me off. But one thing I cannot take is people smacking and cracking their gum.


It's beautiful out. I had a rough night and woke with a migraine but the sun is shining. The temperature is perfect and I feel fabulous. Dressed in black leather pumps, fitted black slacks, fitted white tea wit a lilac, v neck sweater, and a blazer. My hair is blowing in the wind as I walk to the train station.

Walking on the platform face in blackberry I'm surprised to look up and see my train crush. I stand with my back facing him smiling to myself, knowing he's sizing me up. Seems like it takes forever but the train finally comes. It's crowded as all hell. GREAT! I step onto the train. Annoyed because everyone seems to be standing at the door and there is space in the train. I suck my teeth and push through to stand in the empty part of the train. I'm standing next to a fat belly, Shaba Ranks who is smacking his gum and staring at me with his red beady eyes. I roll my eyes and turn away from him.

At the next stop on walks an old guy wearing a fedora , that I want to steal off his head, a wool sweater, and glasses hanging down at the tip of his nose. He's peering over his glasses staring at me. Why is he looking me up and down? And chewing that got damned gum like a cow!! His mouth is hanging open and he's smacking and chewing leering at me. I roll my eyes in disgust and avert my eyes. Don't want him mistaking my angry gaze with interest.

Then, the worst thing happens...my ipod dies!!! OH NO! Now I can hear he AND Shabba smacking and chewing. Holy crap I'm gonna spazz. I'm gonna have an episode on the train. I'm gonna start screaming and cursing and throwing things. Breath, breath, breath. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7..I'm breathing and counting. Counting and breathing. Praying "Jesus, lawd have mercy. Please lawd help me to calm down." Breath breath. You can do it.

My eyes scan the train for my crush. Where the hell did he go?

I think I'm starting to sweat. Steam is coming out of my ears. "What the fuck!?" I blurt out. I roll my head back slowly and let out a deep breath. I'm not embarrassed. I'm a little off and the smacking is creating a nervous tick.

"Ok, just one more stop to go, I can do this." I'm thinking when I feel a tap on my arm. "Hexcuse me" a voice says, my head whips around and I glare at Shabba. "What!?" I snarl at him. "I just want to pass." The train is now ridiculously crowded and people are piled up against each other. "You wait!" I growl. Then look back at Fedora hat man who is still smacking and leering. I feel more out bursts coming. I'm not going to be able to contain myself.

Oh thank God! It's my stop.

I shuffle off the train with the throng of commuters. A young woman with 15 packs of greasy weave is in front of me. She swings her greasy horse hair and it hits me in the face. LAST STRAW!! I reach out to grab her by it and pull her down to the floor. At that very moment someone cut in front of me. I growl out at least 15 expletives as I charge up the stairs...Deep breath. Aahhhhhh fresh air. I'm ok now.





*ding dong*

Thank you for riding the MTA