~Late Night Edition~

It's late.
I should be in a cab but I'm all the way on the lower east side.
When it's the difference between a $50 cab and a swipe of the metrocard and I'm dressed in work clothes? I'm going to save that $50.
I've had a few drinks and no sleep so as soon as I sit, my eyes close.
As the song on my iPod changes from Dwele to Fred Hammond, the train jerked and halted in between stops.
My eyes struggle open and my eyes meet a set of greenish grays.
He's fat. His attire is horrid. Dark blue wind breakers, sneakers, a camel pea coat, a gold watch and chain straight out of the eighties. But I can't stop staring at his face. He is racially ambiguous. Reddish hair peaking from the sides of his ugly skully hat with a beard to match. His fat face is covered in freckles the same colour as his hair.
I'm not attracted in the slightest but I'm intrigued by his strange, unique beauty.
I blatantly stare at him trying to figure his ethnic origin. I'm completely stumped.
My eyes slowly close again as the train crawls through the tunnels.
My eyes open again as the train stops. It has pulled into the next station.
I see what appears to be a 10 year old child carrying her little sister who is almost as big as she is.
I wonder where they could be coming from this late and why their parents have them out in the streets.
I lean my head back to go back to sleep and look over at the little girls again, only to realize it is actually a very tiny mother and child.
I find myself staring at the small woman with her absolutely precious little girl, dressed in pink. The little girl looks exactly like her mom. I smile as I watch both sets of tiny feet swinging. Neither of them tall enough for their feet to touch the floor.
The little girl takes out a banana from her little pink bag and peels it. She has what appears to be a notepad in her hand and is writing.
I stare a little longer.
As I stare at her tiny little face and huge teeth, I begin to wonder if she is indeed a child at all or if she is just a really small lady. 
I'm sleepy. That's preposterous. 
Right? 

*ding dong*
Thank You for Riding the MTA

*Bossy Becky Edition"

It's cold. 
I'm wearing a colour block dress that is little more than a wisp of fabric with bright orange leggings and a hooded bubble coat that is almost to my ankles. The dress is more a spring or fall frock but I have pressed snooze one two many times and know if I take the time to iron something, I won't have time to eat.
My black booties and boots (all 5 pair) need to be repaired and none of my other boots match. I stuff the ankles of my leggings into my Giuseppe's, knowing it looks ridiculous but not caring much, as I rush to catch the train. 
The station is strangely empty. 
I swipe my Metrocard as I realize the display reads, "No cards." I rush to the other turnstile which reads the same. I grumble under my breath as I read train tracker which says my train will arrive in five minutes. I envision the eight lanes of traffic I have to scurry across because I'm on the side of the parkway with no token booth. 
I'm cursing in my head and walking to the exit as a Messican swipes his card and looks at me for help.
I roll my eyes saying, "It doesn't work." 
I'm speaking to him as well as the pigment sufficient woman who has entered the station. "What do you mean?" She asks in a tone I do not like. "How is this possible?" She continues, in that tone. I'm tempted to say, "Bitch I don't work here!" 
A group of teens enter the station and I wait to see if any of them have skills like McGyver. 
After they all try their cards (even though Bossy Becky has told them it doesn't work) the tall black boy goes to the side where the turnstiles are for exiting only. 
He pushes in the opposite direction and with one strong shove it gives way and he is on the other side. Common sense would tell him to buzz the emergency door, for the rest of us, but he leaves us all on the other side and climbs the stairs to the uptown platform.
One by one we all push our way through, Bossy Becky shouting instructions, "Push. Very hard. With all your might! that's it! you've got it!"
More people enter the station and she shouts directions to them as well. 
"She must be a teacher" I thought as I climbed the stairs with one minute to spare before the train arrived.

*ding dong*
Thank You for riding the MTA

~SEXY BUM EDITION~

I had barely moved an inch as the gay guy squeezed into the half a seat between myself and a heavyset girl.
I had in fact, strategically placed my purse on my lap to minimize his space and make him uncomfortable for shimmying into the small space.
I squeezed my eyes shut to grab a few quick Zzzs, which came quickly.
I was jolted out of my sleep abruptly by a woman whose bags were practically resting on my lap as she shoved past me to rush to a seat.
A part of my wanted to snatch her bags and throw them off the train and stomp her face in. Shaking my head at my frequent violent thoughts, I leaned back against the wall. Before me stood the cutest, firmest bottom, I had ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on.
The legs beneath the bottom were extremely long and perfectly toned. I looked over to the gay guy and he was staring too.
The feet wore running shoes. The toned legs covered by fitted Levi's. There was a bookbag on his back. He was at LEAST 6' 4". I couldn't stop staring at his perfect legs and ass.
The train arrived at my transfer stop and I left the train never seeing the face attached to those glorious legs and bum.
I entered the local train and stood facing the door.
The reflection in the glass told me someone was standing awfully close behind me.
I turned around ready to verbally assault whomever thought it was ok to stand so close to me on an empty train.
He was grinning.
It was the MTA worker who had asked me out on a date multiple times.
He asked why he hadn't seen me.
I asked him why the hell he was standing so close but smiled, relieved I wasn't going to have to fight some pervert on the train.
He said, "I saw the legs and hair. I knew it was you."
He went into his usual spiel, "When are you gonna let me take you out?"
"Where do you wanna go?"
"You wanna see a play?"
"You wanna go to Alvin Ailey?"
I laughed at his enthusiasm as he continued listing places.
He then says, "No, you wanna go dancing. I can tell you're a dancer with those legs."
In my mind I considered the idea of going on a date with him. I mean, I haven't dated in ages. It might be fun.
I then imagined how he might dress outside of his uniform and pictured Jerome from "Martin". I quickly dismissed the thought.
I smiled again saying no in response to the question, if I had his number.
He asked if I wanted it.
I smiled and waved bye as I slipped off the train at the next stop. Allowing the door to close on his next question....
"Next ti..."

*Ding Dong*
Thank You for riding the MTA

~Cranky Pants Edition~

It's the first day back to work after a four day weekend.
I'm cranky. I woke up early but lie in bed far longer than I should.
I wrap my pink pashmina around my neck and throw on my white leather. I stick a hot pink bow into my fro, knowing that it does not match,AT ALL, with the clothes beneath my jacket.
I curse "Fun Pete", in my mind, for stealing my pale pink bow.
I have no time to cook breakfast. I grab a banana and rush out the door. I need a pick me up. I'm ridiculously sluggish. My face is tight and drawn from a fresh scrub and I'm wearing no makeup. (Not even LIP-GLOSS! The horror! Lol)
I decide to walk across the parkway to McDonald's for a Caramel Mocha (my latest addiction.)
I KNOW I'm not imagining people staring at me.
I'm cranky.
I try to ignore it but as a Hispanic woman, who looked to be in her 40s, looks me up and down I ask, "What the fuck are you lookin' at?!" She, understandably shocked, turns away.
I suck my teeth and continue to get my coffee.
I order. I wait as the young lady takes two more customers. She's moving at snail pace.
I look at my phone and see that I'm not late...yet.
I wait.
I'm cranky
After a while I scream, "Where the fuck is my coffee!?"
The girl jumps and rushes to make my coffee.
I'm oblivious to the stares at this point. I just want my damned coffee and to be on my way.
As I snatch my coffee, I grunt at her mumbles of having a nice day.
As I reach the train station I see the train will arrive in one minute. I don't have a metro-card.
I curse as I run to the machine to make my purchase.
I hear the train arrive.
I hear the train leave.
I roll my eyes as I curse myself for stopping for coffee.
I stomp up the steps. Stomach growling.
I pull out my banana.
I take a few bites and as I look into my purse three, pigment deficient females, shaped like refrigerators, pass. One so close I almost think she is going to try to take a bite of my banana.
THIS is the last straw! I scream like a banshee and I smash the banana in her face and yell, "You want some!!??!! Huh!?!? You fat bitch!!"
I blink rapidly. An evil snarl of delight on my face as I watch the three refrigerators continue down the platform.
Realizing I was having another of my "Alley McBeal moments", I shake my head and say a little prayer. I have GOT to get control of this little angry monster trying to take over my being, today.
After ten whole minutes the train finally arrives. It sits in the station for five minutes. I only have to take this train two stops before I transfer. It takes the train 15 minutes to get to my stop. I try not to scream expletives while I watch my express train take off as the train I'm on inches into the station.
Another train arrives five minutes later.
I look at the time. I roll my eyes as a man tries to push past me to grab the seat we both spot. I stick my elbow out and pass him, entering the train.
I snuggle into the seat. A little TOO happy at my tiny victory.
Again the train begins to move at snail pass. It's supposed to be EXPRESS!! Why are we going this slow if we are bypassing 10 stations?
I look at the time.
NOW I'm late.
Happy fucking Monday!

*ding dong*
Thank You For Riding the MTA!

~Honey Coated Chocolate Dread Edition~

 I stood on the platform. Face freshly scrubbed and partially covered by my "Hollywood Mocha" shades. I wearing no makeup and my afro is pushed back into a large afro puff, adorned with a little brown bow. I'm wearing my new favorite leather jacket with fur peaking from the sleeves and collar. I'm in jeans and flat Pocahontas boots. I look anywhere from 12 to 35 years old and this is evident by the range of guys trying make eye contact with me.The tall slender lad in his skinny jeans and chuckers is peeking at me from under his baseball cap. I turn completely away from him only to face a West Indian or African man, who looks to be in his late 40s or 50s. He's dressed in a suit and slick dress shoes. He's smiling at me. I grimace and avert my eyes only to catch the eye of the only one who appears to be near me in age. Dressed in baggy jeans, Timbs, a skully and Letterman jacket, he is staring. I'm not interested. He looks like he's an aspiring rapper if that makes any sense. The train arrives. They all sit relatively close. The teen sits directly across from me and is preoccupied with his iPhone but glances at me occasionally. He has dimples and very broad shoulders. I wonder exactly how old he is. "NOT OLD ENOUGH!" A voice screams in my head. The old perv has found a new young girl to leer at. More people have joined us in this car and it appears there are no other females left on earth because more men enter at each stop and they are all staring. I realize the guy who looks to be in his 30s has been staring at me the entire time and is even leaning out of his seat to peer around the people who have entered the train. I look at him in disbelief. He smiles. I roll my eyes and turn my attention to the book I have pulled out of my bag. He stands to get a better view of me. I now want to fight him. It's one thing to admire but THIS? This is ridiculous. Just when I suck my teeth and prepare to ask him wtf his problem is, "You're the desert sand, I'll be the water. You're the perfect plan I never thought of..." Daley sings into my ears, the doors open and in walks a honey coloured, 6ft something dread, dressed in a black trench, jeans and suede shoes. I feel the corners of my mouth twitch as I try to hold back a smile. His dark, reddish brown locks are tied back by a few strands.I realize I'm staring and my mouth is hanging open. I wipe the drool as I feel the teens eyes burning a hole into my face.The dread was totally unaware of my existence so I continued to stare and take him all in. He was slightly bow legged with strong hands that looked as if they would be good to not only build a house from a tree but also feed me berries and wash my hair. He was slightly bow legged. I began to plan out wedding and how many kids we'd have but my fantasy was short lived as he exited the train shortly after. I followed him with my eyes until the train pulled away.The teen was staring and he appeared to have an attitude with me now.I chuckled to myself thinking, "Welp! Guess OUR relationship is over"I closed my eyes and leaned back in my seat trying to remember every detail of the dread as I drifted off to sleep.

*ding dong*
~Thank You for riding the MTA~