~Cranky Pants Edition~

It's the first day back to work after a four day weekend.
I'm cranky. I woke up early but lie in bed far longer than I should.
I wrap my pink pashmina around my neck and throw on my white leather. I stick a hot pink bow into my fro, knowing that it does not match,AT ALL, with the clothes beneath my jacket.
I curse "Fun Pete", in my mind, for stealing my pale pink bow.
I have no time to cook breakfast. I grab a banana and rush out the door. I need a pick me up. I'm ridiculously sluggish. My face is tight and drawn from a fresh scrub and I'm wearing no makeup. (Not even LIP-GLOSS! The horror! Lol)
I decide to walk across the parkway to McDonald's for a Caramel Mocha (my latest addiction.)
I KNOW I'm not imagining people staring at me.
I'm cranky.
I try to ignore it but as a Hispanic woman, who looked to be in her 40s, looks me up and down I ask, "What the fuck are you lookin' at?!" She, understandably shocked, turns away.
I suck my teeth and continue to get my coffee.
I order. I wait as the young lady takes two more customers. She's moving at snail pace.
I look at my phone and see that I'm not late...yet.
I wait.
I'm cranky
After a while I scream, "Where the fuck is my coffee!?"
The girl jumps and rushes to make my coffee.
I'm oblivious to the stares at this point. I just want my damned coffee and to be on my way.
As I snatch my coffee, I grunt at her mumbles of having a nice day.
As I reach the train station I see the train will arrive in one minute. I don't have a metro-card.
I curse as I run to the machine to make my purchase.
I hear the train arrive.
I hear the train leave.
I roll my eyes as I curse myself for stopping for coffee.
I stomp up the steps. Stomach growling.
I pull out my banana.
I take a few bites and as I look into my purse three, pigment deficient females, shaped like refrigerators, pass. One so close I almost think she is going to try to take a bite of my banana.
THIS is the last straw! I scream like a banshee and I smash the banana in her face and yell, "You want some!!??!! Huh!?!? You fat bitch!!"
I blink rapidly. An evil snarl of delight on my face as I watch the three refrigerators continue down the platform.
Realizing I was having another of my "Alley McBeal moments", I shake my head and say a little prayer. I have GOT to get control of this little angry monster trying to take over my being, today.
After ten whole minutes the train finally arrives. It sits in the station for five minutes. I only have to take this train two stops before I transfer. It takes the train 15 minutes to get to my stop. I try not to scream expletives while I watch my express train take off as the train I'm on inches into the station.
Another train arrives five minutes later.
I look at the time. I roll my eyes as a man tries to push past me to grab the seat we both spot. I stick my elbow out and pass him, entering the train.
I snuggle into the seat. A little TOO happy at my tiny victory.
Again the train begins to move at snail pass. It's supposed to be EXPRESS!! Why are we going this slow if we are bypassing 10 stations?
I look at the time.
NOW I'm late.
Happy fucking Monday!

*ding dong*
Thank You For Riding the MTA!

~Honey Coated Chocolate Dread Edition~

 I stood on the platform. Face freshly scrubbed and partially covered by my "Hollywood Mocha" shades. I wearing no makeup and my afro is pushed back into a large afro puff, adorned with a little brown bow. I'm wearing my new favorite leather jacket with fur peaking from the sleeves and collar. I'm in jeans and flat Pocahontas boots. I look anywhere from 12 to 35 years old and this is evident by the range of guys trying make eye contact with me.The tall slender lad in his skinny jeans and chuckers is peeking at me from under his baseball cap. I turn completely away from him only to face a West Indian or African man, who looks to be in his late 40s or 50s. He's dressed in a suit and slick dress shoes. He's smiling at me. I grimace and avert my eyes only to catch the eye of the only one who appears to be near me in age. Dressed in baggy jeans, Timbs, a skully and Letterman jacket, he is staring. I'm not interested. He looks like he's an aspiring rapper if that makes any sense. The train arrives. They all sit relatively close. The teen sits directly across from me and is preoccupied with his iPhone but glances at me occasionally. He has dimples and very broad shoulders. I wonder exactly how old he is. "NOT OLD ENOUGH!" A voice screams in my head. The old perv has found a new young girl to leer at. More people have joined us in this car and it appears there are no other females left on earth because more men enter at each stop and they are all staring. I realize the guy who looks to be in his 30s has been staring at me the entire time and is even leaning out of his seat to peer around the people who have entered the train. I look at him in disbelief. He smiles. I roll my eyes and turn my attention to the book I have pulled out of my bag. He stands to get a better view of me. I now want to fight him. It's one thing to admire but THIS? This is ridiculous. Just when I suck my teeth and prepare to ask him wtf his problem is, "You're the desert sand, I'll be the water. You're the perfect plan I never thought of..." Daley sings into my ears, the doors open and in walks a honey coloured, 6ft something dread, dressed in a black trench, jeans and suede shoes. I feel the corners of my mouth twitch as I try to hold back a smile. His dark, reddish brown locks are tied back by a few strands.I realize I'm staring and my mouth is hanging open. I wipe the drool as I feel the teens eyes burning a hole into my face.The dread was totally unaware of my existence so I continued to stare and take him all in. He was slightly bow legged with strong hands that looked as if they would be good to not only build a house from a tree but also feed me berries and wash my hair. He was slightly bow legged. I began to plan out wedding and how many kids we'd have but my fantasy was short lived as he exited the train shortly after. I followed him with my eyes until the train pulled away.The teen was staring and he appeared to have an attitude with me now.I chuckled to myself thinking, "Welp! Guess OUR relationship is over"I closed my eyes and leaned back in my seat trying to remember every detail of the dread as I drifted off to sleep.

*ding dong*
~Thank You for riding the MTA~